‘Perfectionism, in psychology, is a personality trait characterised by a person’s striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations.’
It’s something I know I have. It is a very strong trait in my family. My cousin gave me some wise words years ago. She told me I could run with it and use it being genetic as an excuse and let it take over my life. Or, I could acknowledge it is there and learn to control it.
Perfectionism is a way to control situations, but left unchecked it can control you.
Most people would consider having high standards a good thing. Striving for excellence can show that you have a good work ethic and strength of character. Some values I hold in high regard. However, perfectionism involves a tendency to set standards so high that they either cannot be met, or are only met with great difficulty.
“If you look for perfection, you’ll never be content.” (Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina)
Perfectionism affects how one thinks, behaves and feels. Perfectionism can make you feel depressed, frustrated, anxious, and even angry, especially if you constantly criticise yourself for not doing a good enough job after spending a lot of time and effort on a task. It can also affect your relationships with others as you, knowingly or unknowingly, judge their efforts by your unattainable standards.
When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” (Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life)
Therefore, it is worthwhile to consider loosening up your standards a bit to ease the stress and anxiety you may feel from trying so hard to be perfect.
One of the biggest aspects of perfectionism I knew I had but had not made the connection between the two is ‘procrastination’. I did not realise that the two are linked. I did not realise that my procrastination could be caused by fear of seeing a job through and it not being good enough and a fear of failure. I had to force myself to get to a point when completing my coaching course to send off my files. I could have easily given up towards the end and not put myself forward for judgement. This would have been a great shame after the hard work I had put in so far and in fact I did very well so that would have been a bigger waste.
“Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” (Salvador Dalí)
Here are some Perfectionistic tendencies:
- Black and white thinking – “If I need help from others, then I am weak”
- Critical eye – judge others. They tend to spot tiny mistakes and imperfections in their work and in themselves, as well as in others and their work. They hone in on these imperfections and have trouble seeing anything else, and they’re more judgmental and hard on themselves and on others when ‘failure’ does occur.
- Have unrealistic standards and use ‘should’ statements a lot
- Focus on results and mistakes as failures
- Easily depressed by unmet goals
- Have a fear of failure
- Defensiveness
- Low self-esteem
- Chronic procrastination, difficulty completing tasks, or giving up easily
- Not good at asking for help or delegating
- Excessive checking of work
- Constantly trying to improve things by re-doing them
- Agonising over small details
- Making elaborate “to do” lists
- Avoiding trying new things and risking making mistakes
Imagine the time taken and high stress levels with such impossible standards.
Here are some ways to overcome these tendencies:
- Develop an awareness of your tendencies
- Choose what to focus on and take baby steps
- Focus on one task at a time
- Learn how to handle criticism
- Practice seeing things from other people’s perspectives more
- Ask: 1. Does it really matter? 2. What is the worst that could happen? 3. If the worst does happen, can I survive it? 4. Will this still matter tomorrow? How about next week? Next year? (Read ‘Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff’)
- Compromising – This is a particularly helpful tool for dealing with black-and-white thinking and involves lowering or being more flexible with your high standards
- Gradually and purposely make mistakes. This technique also involves gradually putting yourself into situations that you usually avoid out of a fear that things won’t work out perfectly. Seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn.
- Leave a visible area in the house a little messy.
- Repeated and frequent practice! You will need to practice the technique you choose several times before you start to feel more comfortable with making mistakes. Don’t be discouraged if your anxiety doesn’t come down right away at first, as this is normal and expected. Keep trying and repeating the exposure as frequently as you can.
Remember:
Lowering your standards DOES NOT mean having no standards.
It’s ok to ask for help.
Procrastination is only a temporary solution, and it tends to make your anxiety worse over time.
Here are some ways to help you to overcome procrastination:
Become more realistic when completing tasks. Set priorities. Perfectionists sometimes have trouble deciding on where they should devote their energy and effort. Prioritise your tasks by deciding which are the most important to accomplish, and which are less important. It is O.K. not to give 100% on every task!
Reward yourself – It is hard work to face your fears and change old ways of doing things. So, make sure to always take the time to reward yourself for all the hard work you are doing.
Not only am I proud I completed my course, I am grateful that I have learnt more about myself. I now challenge myself to: complete tasks, ask for and accept help, accept it does not have to be done my way, appreciate others’ efforts more and as a result I am more productive.
“Don’t let perfection be the enemy of good.”