This week is ‘Anti-Bullying Week’ in the UK. It is an emotive subject and your child telling you they are being bullied strikes deep in the heart of any parent. I hope this week’s blog will help provide some perspective and advice on how you can support your child if they are ever in this situation.
Bullying is usually defined as repeated behaviour; intended to hurt someone, either physically or emotionally.
It is often carried out in secret and permeates every aspect of a child’s life and ultimately affects their self-esteem.
ChildLine has reported that bullying is the biggest single reason for calls to their charity. Bullies bully for a wide variety of reasons: power, jealousy, anger, rejection or they may have seen others do it. Sometimes they have experienced it themselves and then pass it on to others.
What may seem small in a young child’s life can then continue and develop later in life. They are able to cope when the bullying is minor but as they grow up and the bullying escalates or they are re-targeted and the bullying becomes more forceful in secondary school then it becomes more difficult to cope with.
Here are some forms of bullying:
- Teasing, name calling, being left out.
- Being pushed, hit, threatened, possessions hidden, rumours about the child and family.
- Abuse due to race, disability or sexuality.
- Online bullying
Remember the difference between ‘falling out’ and ‘bullying’ is that bullying is repeated and intentional.
Bullying ruins lives. It affects people physically as well as their mental health. It damages children socially, emotionally and their capacity to learn. Online bullying is relentless because it invades your private space and can attack you 24 hours a day.
Telling is always the right thing to do. How adults handle it makes the difference to whether the situation becomes worse or not.
Here are some tips how adults can support their children:
- Top of the agenda is listening. Children need to know that there is no shame in telling you, that they are loved and that what has happened is not their fault. It is important to listen first and foremost to how the victim is feeling.
- Ask why they think they are being bullied. Some children perceive they are the victim if someone has unintentionally hurt their feelings. What has happened, and their feelings, still need to be talked about together even though this does not constitute bullying.
- Don’t take over! Let your child have a measure of control how the situation is handled. Don’t let them ignore it, hit back or you head straight to the school (or other parent) all guns blazing.
- Praise your child for telling you. Many children will worry about hurting your feelings if they tell you that this is happening to them.
- Ask them for ideas about what the way ahead might be. Share ideas and reassure your child that they some control over the outcome.
- Every school has a policy about this and you should be able to find it on their school website.
- If your child decides they want the issue taking to the school discuss with them who is the best person to approach and how to go about it.
- Try to establish the facts: it may be worthwhile recording the incidents so that you have the facts and see if there is a pattern or trigger.
- Practice with your child so that they can use a powerful and decisive voice. Role-play with your child so that they can feel confident to display confident body language and loud voice.
- Reinforce that you love and support your child and try to ease pressure in other aspects of their lives during this period. Be there for them at all times and support them fully.
- Do not talk openly in front of friends and family about it as you may inflame the situation and do not use social media as a way to vent about it either.
The most important things that adults and children can use as defence against bullying is to have a positive self-image and self-talk. Looking strong and confident reduces the chance of bullying. Being able to walk away and talk about it to others will help begin to address the situation. You know your children; keep an eye out for changes in behaviour. Do not put words in their mouths but ensure they can share anything with you and that you will support them using a calm and sensible approach in conjunction with their wishes. This will enable them to know they can come to you in the future. How you handle this is an important role-model for your children.